I tried to remember setting my alarm but the fact that I woke up in a seated position with a video game controller in my hand led me to believe I fell asleep while playing Contra. Sure enough my TV screen displayed the opening screen...had I even stayed awake long enough to press up up down down left right left right start? Apparently not.
I gathered my bearings and rolled out of bed. However I noticed something interesting. I was wearing no clothes. I searched around the bed for some pants to throw on and what I saw was the following:
It was my underwear with a girl's Twitter handle on it. But it was ripped in half. Who is this mystery woman. But wait...Twitter handles are ambiguous...and this one says Lex. Oh no. Lex Luther. That guy was a dude. Fingers crossed for a girl...
Back outside of my imagination I put on some clothes and went outside to drive to my parents house. That is when I realized that my car was not in the front. Instead it was about 30 miles away in Arlington. F***! What happened last night...???...
I stepped out of the shower and threw on my brand new Washington Wizards shirt. I had a whole clever ironic bit that I was doing for the evening Wearing the Wiz shirt to a Caps event. The bit failed miserably as people just heckled me thinking I was being serious, screaming "Wizards suck" at me. But my choice of cool shirts is not the point of this story...so back to that.
I pulled into my secret free parking spot right across from the bar and headed inside. There were about 100 people there all wearing red Caps gear. When I walked in it felt like all 100 people were staring at me and my Wizards shirt. Dagger.
The bar was out of Bud Light Platinum, but I somehow survived on Bud Light Regular. I opened and closed my tab like 7 times but again that is another story. After sippin' on a few I decided to go mingle with complete strangers who I knew from Twitter...what am I doing with my life!
I was talking with some people but then I saw the RMNB godfather @peterhasset. He was surrounded by a tiny army of females and his ferrit-weilding bodyguard @IanOland. I tried to penetrate the entourage but instead I insulted some of the ladies and I had to walk away in shame...alone...
This is where the night begins to get blurry. Here are some pieces of the evening I vaguely remember:
- @PuckBuddys promised to send me photos of Nicklas Backstrom shirtless
- @Chris_Gordon kept telling me he was "Chris", took 20 photos of me, told me he never reads this, and then left.
- @CallYourBluff accused me of sexual harassment then beat me up and stole my Alex Semin hockey card.
- Ignored @kickXdrumXheart all night but I didn't even know it
- Insulted @unibrouw the first second I met her
- One person who will remain anonymous made out with another person who will also remain anonymous and they only knew each others Twitter names. They know who they are!
- Also met lots more people who I am too lazy to list because Twitter names are complicated.
OMG Really... View all the photos at Russian Machine
So somewhere between all of that and now I made it home. Did I cab. Did I metro. Did I walk. I have no idea. All I know is I'm never drinking again...well...at least for 12 hours...
Oh and there was a hockey game...I think the Caps won. Let me check NHL.com. Yep. Victory!