Of Lockouts & Trapezoids

A Mysterious Shape

The trapezoid is a mysterious shape to NBA fans. Oh, we've seen them before, but what do they mean? What is their purpose? We are a country of Lines, Circles, and Rectangles. How are we supposed to deal with a shape where the 2 opposite sides are different lengths. They are so non-symmetrical (at least in one direction).

For most of us, this picture below is the only trapezoid basketball fans have seen. We think it's "hipster" but we don't really want to play with it. It is fun but reminds us of flopping and 7 foot tall guys shooting 3-pointers. Its kind of a summertime girlfriend.

Back To The Straight Life

When the US team took home the FIBA championship in 2010 I figured I was gonna be trapezoid free for a while, at least until the 2012 London Olympics. I was livin' the square life, dribbling around the key, dribbling around the half court circle. I was free as a bird, and straight as an arrow. The only non 90 degree angles I had to take were 360 degree non-angles. Life was good.

Then, on one of the most terrible days in the history of sports (right up there with the day Muggsy Bogues retired), the NBA and the players parted ways and the Great Lockout of 2011 began.

Lockout, The End of Days

Like most NBA fans I was crushed. No more Dougie. No more locker room gun battles. No more riding motorcycles down the beltway with shotguns strapped to backs. Did I mention "no more Dougie!?!?" Oh, and also, there would be no actual basketball playing either.

After days without Vegas Summer League, days without reports from training camps, days without Steve Buckhantz, I began to suffer from symptoms of NBA withdrawal. I needed something to occupy my time. That's when I laid my eyes on the most beautiful lady that was currently in the room, hockey. The NBA was Mrs. Right, but the NHL was Mrs. Right Now.

Avoid The Zoid!

The NHL offered me things I couldn't dream of getting from the NBA. A league, a league, a league, and even a league. I began watching games, learning about the sport, becoming one with the ice. And that's when I noticed a familiar shape that sent chills up and down my spine.

The trapezoid was back! But why? What did it want with me? How did it get on the ice? Why did it choose such a strange position. Was it mocking me? Was it trying to mess with my head? Was it trying to drive me insane!!!!!!!

Zoid Rage

As I shrieked in terror at the site of that evil shape, a sudden calm came over me. I knew what I had to do. I had to go online and beat the trapezoid at it's own game. In order to DESTROY my enemy, I had to KNOW my enemy.

I quickly went to Wikileaks to see if there was any info on the trapezoid, and much to my surprise and delight, there was a whole mess of information. The trapezoid had invaded the NHL in 2005 after taking out the entire AHL the year before. The Zoid had one thing on its agenda, to destroy Goalies and bring them 2 minute minor penalties for delay of game.

Enlightenment

Wait, 2 minute minors. That wasn't so bad. Maybe I had the trapezoid all wrong. Maybe the trapezoid was useful. Maybe it was even kind of meaningless. As this information hit my brain I noticed that the hellish & vile trapezoid started to look less like a satanic beast and more like a convex quadrilateral with one pair of parallel sides. My terror began to subside and I realized the fear had been all in my head the whole time...

Or was it...