6 Cool Jobs For Hockey Players During Lockout

1. Crossing Guard (former job: coach):  A crossing guard has all the control in the world. They can tell people to stop and go.  They even have a whistle, so should be an easy transition.  Just think of it as letting people cross the street in line shifts.  Ugly people on the fourth line of street crossers...

2. Bouncer (former job: goalie):  Normally you have pucks coming at you every minute or so. Now you have drunk people coming at you every minute or so. I'm not sure which is harder to stop? A wobbling puck or a wobbling drunk? Which has more sauce? Better keep your goalie pads just in case.

3.  IT Technician (former job: defenseman):  On a typically day you are laying out to block shots.  Well there are no more shots, so you should use your skills in a constructive way.  Help some of our big corporations block spam instead.  When people are going to porn sites on their computer at work, block their access.  My IT guy at work has blocked gchat, facebook, and espn.  You can block more!  See, very similar!

4.  Nurse Practitioner (former job: forwards):  You already love shots.  You already love assists.  So why not combine the two?  As a nurse, you can administer shots to patients which assists them in getting better.  The only thing is that if you hit three shots in one day, the patients don't throw their head-wound bandages on the floor at you.

5.  Charlie Brown Movie Actor (former job: Mike Milbury):  Everything you say is "Wah wah wah wa wah wa wa wah".  That makes you perfect for the role of an adult in the new Charlie Brown movie.  All you have to do is keep yapping jibberish.

6.  Weasel Spy (former job: Pierre McGuire):  You already look like a weasel.  You already are a weasel.  Why not take advantage of that and help the world at the same time.  As a weasel spy, you will go undercover and live amongst the weasels, letting us know of their secret plans to take over the world.  Just note that the other weasels might eat you if you stick a microphone in their face and ask them stupid questions so...oh crap you are finished...